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Let’s Recap

Hi all,

Happy Tuesday! The past 24 hours have been rough. Speaking as someone who lives with Borderline Personality Disorder, it’s been one rollercoaster after another.

I got my COVID-19 booster shot yesterday. Wait, before that – I ran out of marijuana at the start of the weekend, so I’d already been a little down for a few days. In order for me to adequately explain what going a week without weed does to my mental and emotional health, I think I have to finish this story (so read on!).

So, I got the shot yesterday afternoon. Was feeling fine until right before bedtime (10-11PM) when a severe lethargy swept over my entire body. Inconveniently enough, that’s also right about the time when my depression kicked into high gear. I just found myself tired, hungry (did I forget to mention that I forgot to eat all day?) and scrolling endlessly through Facebook. Finally, I convinced myself to put on some PJs and go to bed. That was about the most I could muster at that point.

Fast forward to this morning and I somehow felt even worse than the night before. My lethargy turned into chills and soreness all throughout my bod. My arm ached and I could barely get out of bed. Add to that severe hunger from not eating the day before and depression at yet another day in this hellish world (happy 9 years since Sandy Hook -.-).

Still, I managed to get my otter pajama-wearing ass out of bed and to the couch, where I promptly texted out of work and preceded to ponder if death would take me soon. It’s here where I fell into a pretty deep depression. Back to scrolling through FB, wondering what’s the next terrible news story I’d read (almost 100 people killed by a tornado in Kentucky).

I hear some of you telling me, “Get off Facebook and don’t pay attention to the news!” First of all, you’re right about FB. Damn, that place is toxic. That is definitely a habit I should break. However, watching the news is a different matter. I enjoy watching the news. Or maybe I just enjoy being informed of current events. It’s when my emotions come into play that things can get sticky.

By “sticky” I mean, deep, suicidal depression at certain events (school shootings are a major trigger) or just uncontrollably crying at natural disasters, etc. etc. I mean, that’s what the BPD is. It’s being unable to control your emotions especially in certain environments or triggers. That, and my anxiety disorder, are why I had to leave my last job.

Anyway, it’s getting time for me to wrap this up. Oh wait, I forgot to tell you about when I got the weed. At about 2 o’clock today (conveniently 24 hours after getting the shot) I started to feel better, physically, if not emotionally. So I texted my guy and arranged a pick up. When I blew my first puff, it’s was like a cloud of gray had been lifted off of me. My eyes got watery, my ears opened, my lungs took in that cloud of smoke and the capillaries could feel themselves opening up.

Suddenly, the world was a less worse place. Sure, it was still filled with the same senseless death and violence it was before I took that puff, but now… now, I could handle it. It didn’t sting as deeply as it did just moments before. I was seeing the world in a new light. One of sunlight and hope. Oh, and my aches and soreness? Gone.

I realize now that this post is beginning to sound like a pro-weed campaign. If it is, it is. But all I’m saying is that weed helps me out a great deal.

Now, it does slow down the writing process. For instance, I’m typing at half my usual speed… or am I merely thinking at twice the speed. LOL then angry at no emojis.

ANYWAY, it really is time to wrap this up and get some writing done. 😛 Peace and love, everybody. Peace and love!

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